The Maka-Messiah Shoppe

The Maka-Messiah Shoppe

Bryan Hupperts

Oct 24, 2007

I dreamed I was walking through Eden Mall shopping center when I spied The Maka-Messiah Shoppe. It was laid out so you could select your doll then accessorize to your own tastes.

With my mouth open in disbelief, I stepped through the wide open doors and curiously enough, set off an alarm. The workers seemed nervous as if afraid of me. The manager came out and just stared for a moment as if sizing me up. Her name tag said Angel Delight.

I broke the silence and said, "Hi, Angel." And Angel smiled a slow, beguiling smile that seemed to light up the room. For a surreal moment, I was at absolute peace and asked her what her store was about.

She took me by the arm as if into confidence and began to tell me she was an entrepreneur of sorts and this was her latest, final enterprise. I explained that I was a Christian and wondered if this was about Jesus Christ the Messiah.

"Yes, all about Jesus," she assured me and encouraged me to go through the process to tailor make a Messiah of my very own.

I looked into the bins of lifeless dolls and was aghast. There was Buddha, Mohammed, George Santayana, Molech, and so many, many others. The special of the day was the Jesus doll. There was a big sign over the bins that read, "God Wears Many Faces."

I picked up a Jesus doll and moved to the line where he could be filled and brought to life. The varied choice of materials was baffling. You could stuff your Jesus doll with pornographic pictures, money, tired old books penned in dead languages, higher education diplomas, sugar, instruments of religious sadomasochism, racist booklets; there seemed no end to the kinds of fillers or their combinations.

I quietly backed out of the line and went to the next. There were outfits everywhere. I could dress my Jesus doll in a mini Armani gold threaded suit, or dress him as a soul wrangling cowboy, or as a hippie, a pacifist, a guru, or as a war mongering warlord complete with a board game giving me the right to declare Armageddon for God's glory. The gay Jesus could be dressed as male or female.

Apparently, you could reinvent the Messiah and make him be anything you desire. There was a sign over the outfit racks that said, "Scriptures Are Books That Can Play Many Different Tunes."

Overwhelmed, I stepped out of the fashion assembly line, and went to the voice isle. The sign over these bins had no wording, just a bizarre picture of an ear with a feather sticking inside. I was amazed that I could put a voice box into my Jesus doll and make him say whatever I wanted. All I had to do was squeeze his little hand with the plastic Faith Button.

Pre-recorded messages were stacked to the ceiling in bins. Some were political messages that said, "I command you to take dominion before I come." Others said, "Marijuana is the leaf for the healing of the nations. Preach this word!" Another read, "Hate for me!" Still another said, "My kingdom is now of this world. Pick up the sword and kill for me!"

Prosperity message buttons were the current rage. You could even get little eyes for your Jesus doll with dollar signs etched in them to better inspire you to confess covenant wealth. Why, I could even speak and record a message and then insert it into my Jesus doll so it would sound just like me! That way, whatever I wanted became his will.

The next isle was so bizarre I didn't even bother. When I saw the Jesus Voodoo Doll kit complete with pins that were replicas of the spikes used at the Crucifixion, I nearly vomited. This product promised a special grace to Curse Your Enemies. I guess it was no weirder than the Jesus Cookie Making kit where you could turn Christ into a cookie and eat him.

The intoxicating stupor of making my own Messiah began to wane. Sensing my perplexity, Angel Delight quickly came to my aid wondering why I hadn't made made a buying decision. I said, "Thanks, but I want the real Jesus. No imitations or pretenders. Do you have the real Jesus?"

Angel Delight smiled that radiant smile again and assured me that, unlike many of her patrons, I had the real Jesus. The beauty of her store, she said, was that now I could take the real Jesus and dress him up as I wished, make my words his words, my agenda his agenda. I could Maka-Messiah of my very own!

"How long have you been in business?" I asked.

Angel Delight was quiet for a moment and, with measured words, said, "The Company I started with was subject to a hostile takeover attempt. Suffice to say I have trafficked in the religion trade ever since."

A growing sense of unease told me I needed to leave. I nodded curtly and turned away as if to continue shopping. I put the Jesus doll back into the bin and tried to make a beeline for the door. Angel Delight hindered me. Instead, I had to walk through the checkout line as it was the only way to the Exit.

The checkout line had a sign that read:

We Do Not Accept The Following:

•Cash

•Credit Cards

•Money Orders

•Valuables

I could not figure out how people were paying for their Maka-Messiah accessories till it came my turn. The clerk passed a scanner over my right hand and then my forehead. The screen was blank. He assured me that, as a new customer, all I had to do was take the Maka-Messiah credit chip, and all would be well. The good news was that I was already pre-qualified! I politely declined the offer and headed towards the door.

He gulped and yelled after me that no one could leave the store without a purchase. Again, I said no thanks and made for the exit.

Suddenly, a legion of workers descended on me to block my departure. Angel Delight herself appeared and said, "If we offended you, please accept our apologies. Don't you want to Maka-Messiah of your very own?" I assured her I was happy with the original and just wanted to leave.

Angel Delight looked deep into my eyes, into my soul, as if searching for a secret, and then she smiled again. She said, "At least let me give you a parting gift. I see you need money for a vision you have for the kingdom of your god. I can give you a spiritual gift to know the secrets of men's hearts. When you speak the hidden truth, they will make you rich!"

Tempting an offer as it was, I shook off its effects and declared, "It is written, 'My God shall supply all my needs according to his riches in glory!'"

Angel Delight's eyes narrowed, and said. "My credit chip is free. No one leaves here without a parting gift! Take it. Take it!"

And then, the nervous clerk who failed to sell me anything blurted out the truth: "Sir, if you leave here empty handed, all you'll have is the real Jesus!"

And that was all I wanted.

The façade fell apart and Angel Delight showed herself as Jezebel, the Great Harlot Church . She charged at me in a rage, screaming, "I'll drink your blood yet, Christian!"

I quickly stumbled out into the mall while she glared at me from her side of the lease line. With prideful contempt, she sneered, "Well, I don't lose many." And she backhanded the fearful clerk who failed to sell me anything and promptly resumed her role as the always delightful Angel Delight.

A security guard came and offered me a steadying hand. I was shaking in fear and tried to tell him what had happened. "She's a fraud!" I bellowed.

He said, "I know. I know. 'Angel of light' is more like it. I'm here to keep an eye on her. The original managers of this mall fell for one of her first tricks and she beguiled her way into a lifetime lease in this place. She is now trading in almost every store here under different brand names. Now that she holds sway over the majority of the mall, she is getting more and more brazen."

"How do we stop her?" I asked.

He shook his head and said, "Right now, we don't. Though her wares are counterfeit, her lease is legal. Soon though, the true Owner of Eden Mall will return. I understand he plans to evict her, to level this place completely, and build anew. Angel Delight and her legion will have no part or place in the new Mall."

I awoke.